I was told so many times ... how much I am so lucky to have lived the life as a singer a.k.a ARTIST .... since I won the reality TV talent show which was the first in Malaysia, I cant deny how much this thing was a BIG deal for a small village girl like me to be discovered by music producers in the big city. No doubt the starting was an amazing experience. And there is no way I would trade that for other memories. As far as I know , the path I chose has taken me where I am now ... And so far I am happier than ever.
When I came to Kuala Lumpur for the 1st time, I had no idea on how life would treat me and how I will handle it. I just turned to 20, when I first had a glimpsed of the magnificent KL that everybody was talking about. For me, looking at the sky rise building around KL was an amazing feeling. And I keep asking myself, how the hell did I get here? Is this real?
Me and the other 4 winners of POPSTARS Malaysia was placed in Prince Hotel Service apartment for like 3 months. It was pleasure, glamour and glory at that time. We had money handed out for us .. and fresh bed sheets and towels prepared for us whenever we came back from shooting for the TV show. It was heaven ... Felling like Kings and Queens... having our rooms made up after trashing it the night before.
And then fast forward ... 3 months later, we were thrown into the real world. We had to find a place to stay and pay for our own rent. source of income, shows and gigs. We had it great at that particular time .... being centre of attention, we were the 1st reality TV talents in Malaysia.
I dont know about the other members, but I felt a bit out of place ... I remember the time I was looking at my photos and thinking OMG! look how white my face is comapring my neck! - yes , I was in the midst of learning how to put on bloody make up! But overall we were hanging out with important people and attending important events still.
And then ding Ding Ding!!! really check!
Lets just say after that theres a lot of waiting, kissing asses and down graded. I have to say, I am amazed why everybody think that it was too glamourous with having the title of an artist. especially those that is chasing the wrong kind of dreams ..... It is hard. I have been there... there is nothing easy, especially when all eyes on you and everybody expecting too much from you... God Damn! this is not the state! they cant sing they can even make millions ... in Malaysia, they dont even care you can sing for shit, its a Dog eat Dog world. You bite when ure down .. and you still have to bite when you're up.
I remembered I was still trying .... finishing my solo album with the help of my label. they believed in me ... but too bad the industry was to bad it just made me thinking. "is it worth to spend my life here begging for leftovers?"...... I finished the project and I poured my soul into it...
but I was just not happy and satisfied .... I cant be anyone in the eyes of these blood sucking people ...Never.
I remembered multiple times ... I had to think 5 times to buy a new dress or a something that I really need or desire. I had money, but not enough to spend. I just had enough to help cover next month's expenses. Struggling and crying almost every nights .... looking at my youthful life, watching others enjoying a night out or nice fancy dinner.
You wonder why others can make it??? well if its not because they're living with their parents ..... or having to be a little bit fortunate than the independent artist makes their life a little more easier to survive.
So then I decide to change my path into something else. And so here I am, still holding on from far away. At least I realised now, I can still do what I am good at from where I stand. Because I can do it my way and I can actually do it.
I was just talking to few of my fellow struggling friends in this industry. They, like me.. have been UP there... but now they realised how hard it is to stay up there. So, all I can say is that always think why are you doing what you are doing. never do everything for others .. Make yourself the priority before others. Be happy and fulfill your dream the way you want it.
Last but not the least. Anyone who wants to be in this line .... I wish you all Good luck...and I hope God will give his blessing upon all of you ....
And I, as just a girl who wants something BIG, will always think the best for myself. And thus I am inviting everybody to walk along with me .I am still reaching for my dreams of passion. So go and realised yours as well.. Remember, life is tough... but hopes and dreams may come true ... If you want it hard enough, you will see the whole world conspiring to help you achieve it....