Whole month of Holiday in Sabah!

My whole month of unpaid leave, I spend my holiday at home. Nenad came with me for a few days... He always wanted to know how Kaamatan feels like .. so I brought him back to Sabah for the 2nd time. We arrived a week before kaamatan, and oh ! I have forgotten the feeling of kaamatan already! My brother opened a 3/10 stall (gerai numbur 7) in Hongkod Koisaan where all the action was.
In the midst of the celebration I get to bring Nenad with yeye to go to the Island for some relaxing time on the beach ... :) some relaxing time it was ... the only time we actually get to be calm and in peaceful mode again. The sun and the water compliments us well ...:)






After that relaxing hours on the beach I was outof no where became an interviewer for the Unduk Ngadau Contestant when they were getting ready for the Gala Night Dinner in the Hotel Ball room. My Friend David insisted for me to do it for him and I just cant say NO, so I did.
For that few days , we've been hanging around in the stall ... and I became the "tukang masak" ndak rasmi for the stall, on the BIG day itself, I did become the tukang masak hahhaha. But I had time as well to bring Nenad to go around the area although the poor guy was feeling so hot and sweaty hahahha .. but he enjoyed it. He was even invited to sit with all the VIPs in the Lotud House to share their meals .... He really made an impression on everybody wherever he goes ... especially when he sang "sayang kinabalu" and wow everybody at Felix Agus and Othoe SuriaFm tent.

It was a hectic and fun week ... but going back on the 1st day I came to Sabah .. and I was craving for Hinata the traditional dish from my tribe.... and without wasting time ... I started to make some Hinata myself .. right after I cut the grass in my mum's yard ...... I thought I already lost the grip ... but I still have it baby ! and it feels good to go back to basic ...although my mum was screaming at me in the phone ....when my aunt told her that I was doing that hahaha ...

And then after kaamatan .... We went back to Tambunan to meet the family there ... :) My grandma was so happy to see everyone was there to see and be with her. And she was pleased to see Nenad again for the second time.
We had a nice little dinner prepared by my mum and my aunt ... and Nenad and uncle Bill( my American uncle) my aunt Flora's husband was preparing some of their specialties ..... Bread and Meat Loaf.. We had dinner of mixture of Sabahan and European and Western style .. it was weird ... but no doubt it was so yummy..

We danced sumazau and Nenad and Uncle Bill had their chance to show their ability to dance the Sumazau with help from Sis. Judith.At the end of the night.... we took a picture of all of us together. It was a night definitely to remember forever... :)

The next day we went back to KK to celebrate Kaamatan. It was a fun but tiring event for me and everybody else ... :) so that goes back to the 1st session of this blog ... :) sorry about that ....

Other than Kaamatan we had the chance to visit the Linangkit Cultural Village in Tuaran.... And Nenad took a great picture of me acting like i was cooking using the old school cooking place... :) .. And it was a nice feeling to introduce my culture to Nenad as I was with his Culture ....

And thats some of the trips details I had with Nenad ... Well sadly Nenad had to leave and go back to Dubai ... and Leave me in Sabah to continue the journey :(... It was sad.. but I manages to pull myself together and managed to do something productive ... like having my Driving License sort out finally!!!!!!!! and I got my license in less than 10 days ... :) and was driving around ever since hahhahah ....

We went back to Tambunan to attend the wedding of my aunt ...I became a "Mak andam terjun" on my aunts big day .... Its just that she didnt have any proper make up artist for the big day ... so I sincerely volenteered to help out with whatever skills I had .... :) and thank God it worked out! yay

Stayed a weekend there with all of the family... feels good to have everybody around.

Well so far thats it guys ... sorry if I dont really tell the stories nice enough... its just that its almost 3am here and I am getting a little blocked with inspiration ... Anyways ... I hope this is enough and happy reading!

Petronella's lyrics - "So Damn Lucky"

I looked around me
I never thought that this could be so real
I thought that maybe, God is playing with my mind oh my!
Or maybe it’s just me, thinking that I could be so damn lucky

Oh why.. Oh why… oh why oh why
No you tell me

Chorus : Time stops when you kiss me with your lips
I Hope it last for as long as we live…
You painted all my life, like my dream had all come true
You made my feet warmed up with yours
I love it when you love all me
I’m so damn lucky!

And now before me,
I can see so clearly, bright blue sky oo h
I see us standing in the wide horizon in my eyes
Oh my Oh my…

Chorus : Time stops when you kiss me with your lips
I Hope it last for as long as we live…
You painted all my life, like my dream had all come true
You made my feet warmed up with yours
I love it when you love all me
I’m so damn lucky! Im so damn lucky!

Oo…
you could be the one Be my shining star
Oo.. oo.
I will promise you this, for as long as I live…..

Chorus : Time stops when you kiss me with your lips
I Hope it last for as long as we live…
You painted all my life, like my dream had all come true
You made my feet warmed up with yours
I love it when you love all me
I’m so damn lucky! I’m so damn lucky!

when you kiss me with your lips
I Hope it last for as long as we live…
You painted all my life, like my dream had all come true
You made my feet warmed up with yours
I love it when you love all me
I’m so damn lucky!

The True Road of Fame

I was told so many times ... how much I am so lucky to have lived the life as a singer a.k.a ARTIST .... since I won the reality TV talent show which was the first in Malaysia, I cant deny how much this thing was a BIG deal for a small village girl like me to be discovered by music producers in the big city. No doubt the starting was an amazing experience. And there is no way I would trade that for other memories. As far as I know , the path I chose has taken me where I am now ... And so far I am happier than ever.

When I came to Kuala Lumpur for the 1st time, I had no idea on how life would treat me and how I will handle it. I just turned to 20, when I first had a glimpsed of the magnificent KL that everybody was talking about. For me, looking at the sky rise building around KL was an amazing feeling. And I keep asking myself, how the hell did I get here? Is this real?

Me and the other 4 winners of POPSTARS Malaysia was placed in Prince Hotel Service apartment for like 3 months. It was pleasure, glamour and glory at that time. We had money handed out for us .. and fresh bed sheets and towels prepared for us whenever we came back from shooting for the TV show. It was heaven ... Felling like Kings and Queens... having our rooms made up after trashing it the night before.

And then fast forward ... 3 months later, we were thrown into the real world. We had to find a place to stay and pay for our own rent. source of income, shows and gigs. We had it great at that particular time .... being centre of attention, we were the 1st reality TV talents in Malaysia.

I dont know about the other members, but I felt a bit out of place ... I remember the time I was looking at my photos and thinking OMG! look how white my face is comapring my neck! - yes , I was in the midst of learning how to put on bloody make up! But overall we were hanging out with important people and attending important events still.

And then ding Ding Ding!!! really check!

Lets just say after that theres a lot of waiting, kissing asses and down graded. I have to say, I am amazed why everybody think that it was too glamourous with having the title of an artist. especially those that is chasing the wrong kind of dreams ..... It is hard. I have been there... there is nothing easy, especially when all eyes on you and everybody expecting too much from you... God Damn! this is not the state! they cant sing they can even make millions ... in Malaysia, they dont even care you can sing for shit, its a Dog eat Dog world. You bite when ure down .. and you still have to bite when you're up.

I remembered I was still trying .... finishing my solo album with the help of my label. they believed in me ... but too bad the industry was to bad it just made me thinking. "is it worth to spend my life here begging for leftovers?"...... I finished the project and I poured my soul into it...

but I was just not happy and satisfied .... I cant be anyone in the eyes of these blood sucking people ...Never.

I remembered multiple times ... I had to think 5 times to buy a new dress or a something that I really need or desire. I had money, but not enough to spend. I just had enough to help cover next month's expenses. Struggling and crying almost every nights .... looking at my youthful life, watching others enjoying a night out or nice fancy dinner.

You wonder why others can make it??? well if its not because they're living with their parents ..... or having to be a little bit fortunate than the independent artist makes their life a little more easier to survive.

So then I decide to change my path into something else. And so here I am, still holding on from far away. At least I realised now, I can still do what I am good at from where I stand. Because I can do it my way and I can actually do it.

I was just talking to few of my fellow struggling friends in this industry. They, like me.. have been UP there... but now they realised how hard it is to stay up there. So, all I can say is that always think why are you doing what you are doing. never do everything for others .. Make yourself the priority before others. Be happy and fulfill your dream the way you want it.

Last but not the least. Anyone who wants to be in this line .... I wish you all Good luck...and I hope God will give his blessing upon all of you ....

And I, as just a girl who wants something BIG, will always think the best for myself. And thus I am inviting everybody to walk along with me .I am still reaching for my dreams of passion. So go and realised yours as well.. Remember, life is tough... but hopes and dreams may come true ... If you want it hard enough, you will see the whole world conspiring to help you achieve it....

Sayang Kinabalu - Nenad Zrnic

This is nenad and I thought him how to sing "Sayang Kinabalu". He impressed me quite a lot, not only for his singing but every effort he makes to learn this song for me ... :) which is sooooo sweet .... he is actually so shy , but because of me he sings it and made me so proud ! just wanna share to my fellow friends and all ... enjoy !

Spending My Own

As you guys know I am in the midst of creating my upcoming 2nd solo album ( hopefully ) that will be a source of my promises that I have made not only to my fellow supporters but most importantly myself ....

And next week, I hope I get to finish my 1st song which I call "So Damn Lucky" with Greg.

As you can see this is as much money I am spending for this song and to actually make this song happen... not including the time and money I spent to actually get my ass there in the first place.

I just hope that when the album is out , no one! ( at least the people that actually care and sincerely want to support me and should support me ) ask for a free copy of it ...... Cos face it guys .... we don't do all this hard work just to have people dragging you down under and suck out the blood out of you.

The old times are fine. They dont involve my money at all... Yeah, I worked damn hard for it ... but hey... not as much as I am working on my second album now ...... my own sweat and blood ... my own accounts and everything my way ......

The only thing that I would ask is, don't say you're on my back if all you can do is say it... If you wan a free copy ... well let me just say .. this is how much of my hard work and effort you "Flushing" down the toilet... my whole hopes and dreams.. and all that hard work. If you really mean it ... then say it.... if you're just saying it... .save it ....

I just hope I wont be disappointed again .... and this time .... please consider what I am working for ..

Another step closer to my dream

I was in KL just for 28 hours ... and I was so exited to get to drive around for the first time ever! people said that if I can drive in KL, I would be alright driving everywhere else hahhahah .. well I hope that's right .

That was not the only reason that made me so exited! my dream to create my newest album is getting more more reachable now that I am one step closer to it.

Its been awhile now that I have been trying to make some songs and looking for people to work it with .... But so far I am to picky to actually make up my mind about who i am going to entrust it with. So finally I turn to Greg Handerson again for his expertise and experience working with me before. I know he is the only producer that actually understand Petronella Suan, when it comes to my singing and how to record me ... and I was not wrong at all.

Met up with him at his place, met his gorgeous wife and kid Mia, who grew up so tall and smart ..

Greg studio's is now home based. his place has 3 levels ... and his studio was right on the highest level... " too many stairs" that's what I told him as I was gasping for air when I reached his studio.

As I open the door, I recognized the smell that was always filling up the room with the smell of lavender. It was still like it was before I left for Dubai, But even more stuff placed around. I noticed he has been keeping himself busy with not only the music, but his painting as well.... lovely paintings everywhere ..... I saw some of my drawings that I made 5 years ago in this very room still ruling the same spot on his art wall.

Back to present. we started working on the song that I emailed to him earlier.... the groove was just too smooth, we came up with the right melody and recorded the final Demo for it. So hopefully we will have the song ready and I can go for vocal recording by my next visit to KL.

And knowing Greg, the song should be mixed and ready for its first Debut on Radio end of august 2009. Yupidoooo!!!!!!!!

So hang in there guys ... and look out for my first English song tittled " So Damn Lucky" inspired by my shining armor and my love for him.

enjoy....

Old Post -Re-Post!

My Italian Vacation!

when we reached in Venice. It didnt hit us us yet that we left Dubai and standing in another foriegn land.

It’s a great day to start our vacation …. Sun was shining, a sign of great expectation and suprises…. LOVE IS IN THE AIR.
Took a bus to Venice, and when we as to approach the city, the smell of the ocean started to sting the sense of our nose. It reminded me the smell when I used to be home and me and the rest of the family went to the beach to spend a day out; fishing, swimming and just be there rain or shine, night or day. That was a good day.
But it was far from the view I am used to. Old structure and new blended together with so many colors to compliment the marriage between these two world…
When we got there, its amazing how much I remember things from the last visit to Venice. It was more than a visit this time. Its more interesting to actually spending it with someone special. Its more fun and exciting. Its more romantic.
I was reminded constantly that the mother of a friend really wanted to come and visit Venice, before the city sink she said. I cant help but wonder if I should send her a postcard or pictures of the city just for her.
Anyways, we took the boat through the canal … and we reached the Grand destination of the city which was where placed Saint Marks Church. But before we went into the church, we went for a short visit to “The Bridge of Tears”. It is known as this name for its purpose of existence whereby it used to bring the prisoners that was found guilty passing onto the bridge from where they were prosecuted to where they were executed. And here where they family will see them for the last time of their life. Nothing much to see as repairing activities was seen around the bridge.
Proceeding next to The Magnificent Saint Mark’s Church. Too bad I cant take any pictures in the church. NO cameras and video camera allowed. But what I saw inside was something that I cant describe. But I will try my best.
When I went up that maroonish clay steps, I saw the doors accompanied rounded door arch that’s covered with gold and patterns which mesmerized my view. Nenad told me that its pure gold. I was like really ???? and thought to myself; If that was in Tuaran, probably it would be gone for centuries. Stepping onto the uneven floors of the church, there’s pictures and patterns placed in the floor with old marbles everywhere. Old statues made by dark woods, and confessions booths on the left and right side of the church. It was such an amazing feeling, knowing that everything you feel and see its just full of history and old. We had to pay 3euros or so to see the treasury chamber. There, we saw all kinds of old sculpture with holy pictures, vases, candle sticks and loads of other things. As much as I admire this, there was never ending questions in my heart. Do God really wants this to be some kind of things that we would treasure??? Is it special because of its use or because its covered with rubies and gold? But then again magnificent to see that such thing was created and treasured until now.
There are some items which written in Cyrillic, and Nenad said, some of these items used to belong to the Orthodox Church. And some items resemble Arabic identity as well. As I was going around the racks, I thought the tour was over in the room. But on the left some other things caught my eyes… slowly minding my steps to move closer to the other side of the room, throwing a careful glace at the keeper of the room who was watching me as I pass. There I saw something really freaky. There was bunch of old relics, possessions of someone… Bones and human part placed in nicely framed glass bottle. “this looks like a small hand and this is like part or an arm bones….” I said. Hmm .. why whould they keep such thing in a church ?? ?they have their own reason maybe. I tried to read some of the writings on them, some was written in Italian and some I just cant remember anymore.
but as I googled about this, I realized that theres more to this than it is… interesting love stories and some other things that I recommend everyone to have a read.

As we walking along in Venice, I recommend as well for everyone to watch where they going or where they’re stepping. One of the obvious reason is the way the town is built. Its like a gigantic puzzle…. You never know where you might end up .. quite interesting actually…. Especially when you pretend that you’re lost and you’re with someone special. Its so romantic. One other reason is the “Dog Poo”…. Its everywhere. Italians love to have a pet with them everywhere. But they don’t care that their dog poo everywhere…. Hahhahah so bear in mind, to check where you’re stepping aight!

its all about food in Italy... hehhe not really, Its actually just for me .... :) this is lunch in venice for us... :) yummy!

2 days in Venice, and Nenad’s family is already there joining us… Its so funny , they seemed to think that I am Japanese… and they kept on staring at me all the chance they get …. But I was staring at them as much as they do as well. They are just so adorable and so cute. I just wish that we could understand each other more.

And then on our way to the mountain side.

As we were driving along, I cant help but think how lucky I am to be here. The mountains that were slowly approaching, seems to me becoming whiter and whiter… I can actually see the snow on top of the mountains now. Not only that, I realized that there’s a lot of churches as well on every town that we pass. They are so beautiful with bell tower on each.
As we arrived at the place that we’re going to live in 7 days or so, we had to wait for a almost an hour for the owner to come and give us the keys. Buts its okay, we occupied the time by throwing snows at each other.

Night has come and we have unpacked and settled. So after dinner and shower… we went to bed for an early start tomorrow. Exiting yet scary for me. Its going to be ny first skiing lesson…. So praying that I would do well ….

Good morning! Italy!
My first day of skiing.. and Nenad will be my personal instructor. My gosh people…. I have been saying Nenad’s name all the time…! But I haven’t said anything about who he was! Sorry …. Nenad is my current partner.. :) and me and Nenad are having a week of skiing holiday together with his sister, brother in law and 2 nieces….
Anyways, there I was with my rented skiing equipments ( the amount of money that I pay as children would pay because it was all so small) trying to catch my breath. Its not helping at all… I was so nervous and almost getting a panic attack ! well almost… Until we have to climb up 3 set of stairs in those ski boots which by the way is not very comfortable to begin with. The only thing I was thinking of when I was gasping for air climbing up, is how unfit I was. And how I got to try to act normal, as those little nieces of Nenad was climbing up like they were just walking on clouds.
As we reached the Gondola I was becoming more and more nervous, but then reaching to the top of the mountain and seeing this magnificent view from the top … I just became calm and relaxed. Like nothing can make me sad… like everything was perfect. Sun was shining. Wind was blowing, and the sky was clear….. Everything is white covered with pure looking snow….

Trees are sleeping and some stand proud and some bow before our presence. How wonderful was God’s creation. My heart set a prayer and sending it together with great thanks.
So here I am. The feeling of snow as I walk on it…. The sound of it makes me tingle inside. It’s so white. Crowd was getting ready to ski with their new skis and boots. Their fancy suit… Nenad said “Italians”.. I just smile….they even wears make up and their hair looks perfect all the time. And I was looking at myself… and I told myself how horrible I looked with those silly pick beeney on my head. But who cares… I am not Italian …
The first thing that I learned on the first day was how to actually put the ski on and slide through the snow.. that wasn’t that bad. At all ... and then when It was time to go down the slope… well, lets just say at the end of the day I had few bruises here and there, oh let me rephrase that, it is actually everywhere.
2nd day, learned something new….3rd day got a little better and 4th, 5th, 6th .. I cant believe I am actually skiing…. At some point I was ready to cry and give it all up. But I was lucky to have a good instructor to begin with. He is so calm and gentle. And all his encouragement was helpful and it worked. Now, I am skiing and I was feeling great ….
There’s few times I ended up running over trees or people… but now I can actually be confident enough to go through the harder slopes and stop when I want to.
Last day of skiing, We went to all side of the mountains…. And seen more amazing views. I wish I could bring my family to see all this, It’s the most amazing feelings. Today, I am not going to be perfect, I just want to have fun and who cares if I humiliate myself. And I did… I had a blast.
So there you go… that my trip to Italia. Nothing much to tell about skiing, because all the pictures will tell the rest of it. 7 days skiing, eating, boozing ( wine, beer and grappa ) and more skiing… its great!

more pictures coming....

On the Roll on the inspiration

People asked me so many times ... about me coming back in the music industry again. And I honestly dont know what to say to them. But what I do know is that I still love music in my life and I still dream of one day I will come back to the scene.....

Right now though, I am happy where I am. I miss singing all the time. The thrill and the adrenaline rush in my blood when I hit that stage or started singing. I am so happy to still have that passion in me. And even better I started to find the reason I love it in the first place.

Recently I started writing songs again and. Getting in touch with my music and my passion for the art. I even contacted my producer friend Greg Handerson and let him listen to my stuff that I wrote, and he is so far impressed with what I came up with. So I was inspired to plan more things for me in the future. Another album? but if this plans works out, I wanna be able to do it my way or the highway. I also did as a part time hobby to make clips for my old songs in my Self Titled Album - Petronella using my new gadget that I just bought .... Its so exiting to work on it :)

But for now, I cant YET post it anywhere because I really want to do the best I can .. hopefully after I come back from my leave in Italy. So I will keep you posted on that.

And as for my songs.... I need to go home and get some recording going on .. I will work on some songs with maybe Greg Handerson. But I also think that I should give a chance to some other producer from my Birth place, Sabah ... so any proposal ?

Anyways... I am so exited about this guys ... wish me the best luck !

Until then, Aramai TIH !

Confession of a Bitch to all Bitches!

"Mengelimut" a.k.a - Bitching

I met a friend recently and we had a chat about my music career. and when we were talking and talking it leads us into talking about my clips "Laguku-With Atama" in youtube. He told me that a lot of people commented about the clip. I was like "really?" . I never really bothered to see if there is comments and dont really gives a damn what they are writing in there. But thanks to my friend, ( He made me read them all ) I had the chance to really sit there and read, all of them. If you wanna know more about it... go to youtube and search for petronella-laguku.

Turns out many people like and also hated the song and the clip. hahahha for the people that has been there and commented nice things, I am grateful. And for the people that commented nasty things in there, well I gotta say... I agree with you 90% on that. It is not the best song, not the best colaboration, not the best clips made ever. For some that really wanted to know how this clip was made, well ... It was made during our visit back to KK in a friend's house in Likas. It was not planned and nothing was actually thought through. I wont dispose the person who helped me make the clip, but i can asure you, he is a person with great ideas and a person who actually countable. Very Rare. Anyways, yeah ... its like I did my own make up and stuff.... using a normal video cam. and loads of industrial lights. We put away most of the furniture aside, which my friend's mom didnt mind while she was baking mouth watering cakes in the kitchen and his dad was reading the news paper as well. And they were sweet to sacrifice their time watching some TV just to let us do this. called up Atama and just suggested that we should do this. Just for fun while we are here. My record label didnt even know about this and there is not even a single cent spent, but time and effort.

And I'd like to say to all this Bitches out there, that "limut limut" in youtube, dont underestimate the fact that people actually put so much into something.

Back to the song colaboration, I decided to have Atama in the song, honestly because he is a good artiste in the first place. He is on of the most successful person in Sabah that actually strive to achieve success and took pride in what he does. He has fanbase that helped me reach out to a different level. Business perspectives, he is the right man in my list. and my judgement it right. My song ( laguku- feat Atama ) became one of the top 10 songs in the chart in Xfresh for weaks.. and listeners requested the song to be played on radios throughout the country...and that is a great achievement for us.

Again, stressing here... that what you guys see was not the true color of the industry. they said what they wanna say... but they dont even know anything about it. I have been there you guys.. and there's so many things that you dont know happening.

Icons is not as "Iconish" as you think they are. Miss Goodie Goodie is not as angelic as they potray themselves to be. and celebrities.. well, they are not Hollywood celebrities. Unless they are born with million ringgit ASS, or Daddy's gurl... they are not that rich. Apart for Datuk Siti Nurhaliza who score the Jackpot!

So the point is. why do people like to Bitch about other people.... Poeple that they know, or people that they dont know... I cant understand why they can be so ignorant and think that they know everything about something or someone and they dont. I bitch as well, and swear in the name of a frog! I dont feel good doing it at all. And I felt so bad, I only can make it up by telling it to the person I bitch about. They hate me after that, but hey at least I can forget about it.

sometimes makes me wonder, arent they afraid that somehow these things that they accused of people doing, it can actually happen to them as well ? like mothers bitch about the neighbours daughter getting pregnant and had to get married, and they have a daughter as well. Or a gurl who's saying all this bad things about this other girl, because they are somehow rather .. (hmmm how should I put this.. ) ah yes.. Gifted or lucky. I guess, making people look bad makes themselves look better. stepping on people's head makes them feel superior. How sad.

A tabloid magazine journalist told me something before. I cant get the coverage that I need because I am too CLEAN. what????! yes. Basically, I dont have enough juicy gossip about me for people to read in magazine to make people be more interested about me. How bad was that !?

and she offered to write something that is not true so that I can be in the radar. I mean, was my music so bad that I have to actually sell myself out. so people here i am again, telling those people that said I am a flop thats why I leave the industry.... well, If I am a flop... I would give up before spending endless struggle in this industry years before. I love what I do, its just that the people that I work with was just hmmm what can I call them ? Pain in the ARSE! and partly I dont wanna be treated like I am worth nothing just because I dont appear on TV as much as the other reality TV people out there. There you go .. reasons of me being here in Dubai, rather than suffer doing what I like.

People that are genuinely music lover are the people who can actually see beyond what they see.

same goes with eveything in life. they only good things in what they see.. like some people see the rain as a bad weather, but some people see it as a "blessing" from God. These people, they are rare.

And here i am. Inspired and ready to write yet another Blog. I have come across many critics in my life. Especially those who judge me throughout my singing career. I have been angry, upset, and sad when I heard all of them. But then again, Human are just human. its hard to pleased them. they will always want more. I realized that all you can do is live the life to the fullest , and let all the loser keep Bitching... cause when the more they Bitch, it means you doing great. hahhah .. thats a good way to tell if you doing great or not hhahahha ... but bare in mind people when you're down you will hear those loser say " Nah kan ... tulah .... padan muka .. itulah itu , itulah ini.. " well, like I like to believe, its always greener after the rain ... we fall so we can stand up again. Dont worry, Shit always happen. Dont let this Bitchers bother you.

The best thing always for the last. Before I became a singer, and that was when I was in High School. I was a popular kid as well. Not that kind of popular, but I was marked as the worst reputation that made me a lonely kid, with teachers on my ass and people pointing fingers at me. I admitted, that I didnt take it very well, thinking "if they say I am that, I will be that" ...

I was a black sheep lost and miserable. It all started with one person started a rumor about me.. then it continue to ruin me.

But then, oppurtunity shine on me... and I became a singer.this time the luck is on my side. I cant believe how much people showed to me how much they love me and said nice things to me. everybody suddenly became my friend, uncle, aunt, and any family relation you can think of. I was in radar ... I know, that I was just "there" because they saw me on TV, doing what I like and becoming someone. Its not much, but enough to be proud and to make my family proud...

My happy days in High school( in the photo)

I had a second chance. Praise to GOD.

During POPSTARS (BY'U)

Face it, nobody is perfect in this world. But I believe that every individuals has their own "Gift" that no one elses have.

Bah ... akhir kata.... kalau kita mau mula mengelimut....kasi ingat ingat la diri sendiri ... sia tau juga susah tu .. tapi sia tau, yang kita semua ada kebaikan dalam hati masing masing.... jen lagi lah suka mengelimut pasal urang. abis nanti apa urang cakap tu ??? kebalikan? lagipun teda guna juga tu ... sia sini sambil sharing sharing.... sia sendiri pun pandai juga mengelimut kadang kadang ..tapi sia cuba juga mau memperbaiki ni. sama sama lah kita berusaha dan moga moga berjaya. bah hino koh poh.... kada mengelimut nepe...

Till next blog. God Bless

I am a shopaholic.. Oh Shit!

Ironic. I just watched the movie “confession of a shopaholic” in the cinema. You think that I would think twice of getting some more things that I don’t need and spending money like they fall from the sky, but NO… I went on buying a mini so called “travelling-guitar” and a stand that comes with it. And then I bought a “travel-mouse” for my lappy, cos I thought I need it and its cute. For some reasons, I seriously thought that I need a camera stand desperately.

Set of Pink Black Polka Dot Travel bags. And a practical Green one. Whole thing was DHS320

A Camera Stand. Worth Dhs86

Travel Mouse. Dhs45

Mini Travelling-Guitar and stand. Dhs315

Oh….. what am I doing to myself??? The only thing that it good that I did today was transfering some money to my mum. Oh my gosh …. When I watched that movie just now, It made me realized that I am a glorified shopaholic indeed.

Alert! Dusun People New generation's need some guidance.

What really matters? What really shows the virtue of a true color or anything that gives you the right to claim your heritage??? Hereby said, a spot where all question should be asked.

Lets go through it together.

I can’t help but share all my thoughts and also my fellow mates that actually had the same opinion as I do about this.

I am really proud to be Dusun Kadazan girl. Its one of the most unique Ethnic race in the world. Everything about it makes me proud. But nevertheless, theres always something that makes me feel like something is twisting my guts whenever I think about it.

It symbolized honor, trust and unconditional Love they say... It brings people together they say .... Nurture the mind of the youngster they say…. Yeah right! Its basically a Dog eat Dog world. Ahaaa.. if you don’t know what I am talking about let me give you a clue ..
Unduk Ngadau… as I like to call it Unduks!

It’s a cut throat industry. Its not just a simple celebration that symbolized the importance of tradition anymore. Sad to say, yes… its now a rat race.

I have been there and yes… its full of shit and more bullshit. Its not the concept of unduk ngadau im talking about… It’s the people who involved in it… I am not goin to specify who it is .. but hey not that nobody didn’t know about all this. Lets just call them “THEY”

When I said I have been there, I mean.. I have been there. Going through 3 times in a month, different places. For sure, I was already part of foul play. But I would like to mention this though. It might’ve been the worst time I have ever gone through, but it is also the Best I had. The knowledge I gained from it…( Which I actually made a mission for myself) was unbelievably awesome.

But what I noticed about the whole thing was, “They” just talk cock!.First they say every rules that they can think of for hours! And then what? They tried to squeeze people in without even looking twice into the rules anymore.
That’s Bullshit no 1. Rules and regulation? – Flush in the toilet!

Bullshit no 2? –Mama’s baby. Have you seen before a girl who’s always on every pageant and always have a place on every one of them …. If not to win but to at least get an amount of prize money? Heheh yeah .. that happened to. At the big day itself, someone dropped out and making the story shorter, mama squeeze baby in. And I saw parents showing their dissatisfaction towards all the committee because their daughter (Whom by the way came to the audition day didn’t even get the slot) that was embarrassing indeed. But then “they” have thick faces.

You know when they say everyone must know how to speak the language? We’ll I gotta admit, I don’t speak that well .. Nope nope nope …. Why ??? ask my parents … hahhah
Anyways I think some people are very lucky indeed to have the chance to learn it properly. For me? Well I am one of the unfortunate one I guess.. I didn’t have the privilege to learn it. Don’t get me wrong I understand it… Just not fluent in it. I look up to the young generation who can actually speak fluently in Dusun Kadazan Murut.

But the next point I am bringing up is, Bullshit no 3 – they can talk, but can they walk the talk. Before I continue, I would like to go to the Lagend about the infamous Huminodun. The girl that everyone want’s to be… well with the crown in their heads anyways.
Huminodun sacrificed herself so that her people won’t starve to death. Legend says, rice started to grow on where her body was laid to rest. So that’s why we have the unduk ngadau pageant. To represent the people of the Dusun Kadazan Murut on a glorious celebration of Harvest Festival.

I know I know .. where I am going with this ??? well … imagine you’re all starving to death… and your huminodun is not capable even to clean the fish or cook rice before…
Hahhahahhah … Not laughing? I think its funny hahhahha..

Let me just share this one particular story for you. I went to a teen retreat once, and I heard this two guys talking on my back in Dusun about me. They said that I am a Dusun girl, but I cant speak the language for shit. And then I turned to them speaking in Bahasa, I said to them that they should be careful what they’re saying to people because I might not be fluent but I can understand them. And I asked them if they even set foot in the rice field before. Judging me… at least I know everything to know about being a real Dusun …. Kima! Ops!

Anyways, back to the point there. Yes! Most of these Huminodun wanabe’s dnt even have a clue of how mud smells like … I don’t understand some parents don’t even care about this things anymore. It’s not that I like it when my mum forced me to learn all this thing. But thank God she did, that’s priceless now.

Apa gia tu cerita tu ?? yang ndak sudah kanal bambangan sama pandai sudah kunun gali mau makan bosou …. Yoi! Ndak sadar diri …. Dulu dungot pun kana tila. Banyak lagi tu cerita tu pasal urg dusun mudah lupa kaka….

Well here.. I am not only offering some sense to you, but also a solution that we can all use.
The line is…. Back to Basic.

It means …. Instead of looking how they walk the cat walk … or how high their hair do or how pretty they are when they put on make up … I would rather judge by their personal character and their skills….skills that represent our culture.


Culinary Skills
Parut Kalapa style dulu dulu ( coconut grating) – my mum said that on the olden days the mother in-laws will see if a girl could grate the coconut in a traditional ways and get the juice out from the pulp to see if they are ready to take care of the house hold.

Masak nasi pakai gas (Cooking rice manually)- Basic thing …. If they don’t win .. at least they know how to cook rice … hehhe

Masak makanan tradisi ( Traditional cuisine ) – If you don’t know how to do this… don’t even bother!

How much do you know
If the normal activities in normal pageant to go and visit the museum or the orphanage.. well try this …. Get yourself dirty ….. lets see if you know how to plant rice/ harvest rice. That’s the main reason you wanna be Huminodun in the first place.
Full on! I love it!

And fishing trip with worms…. Meniud borot di sungai ( don’t actually know how to translate that)

One night stay in the Traditional Long houses with just minimal facilities.

NO SHORTCUT
I also banned short cuts… I will not have any culprits who will ruin this thing for their own benefits. This event should be embraced as United People… don’t stab each other back. If there’s any judges who is not reliable … BANNED!


I know I might sound extreme with all this.. but I am so concerned to see all the girls that I was with in the pageant when I last participate, all they can think about how to get the crown and the person who is standing next to you is a n enemy and I can feel that there’s nothing sincere on what they say, do or think anymore….I was really scared shitless.. Can anyone imagine someone was trying so hard to Not fall asleep on stage? Hahahh that was me. I realized this thing is not for me. But its unfortunate that most girls thinks that this is only a run for the crown! I mean, am I the only one that thinks it’s more than that ??? and tried to make the experiences maxed! Like making their own costume until their fingers all messed up with cuts !? Oh wait…I am the only crazy one who did that.
Girls…. Why should you even see the girl next to you is your enemy? Oh don’t lie.. I know ! I tried to be friends with everyone … but everyone is so pose that they don’t even wanna smile til they hit the stage! Urgh!


Anyways… yes that’s what I think of this whole thing. The Organizing have to change guys. It ruins the mind of the new generation. And I am sad to say that’s the only thing I am ashamed of. But I am grateful for all the experiences that I gained throughout the pageant…. Made new friends.. and swore never to get my ass into it ever again !

I hope my message will come across… I know I sound like I am babbling most of the time… But then again I am seriously concerned about all this … like the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” nothing seems solid till you dig into it.

Last but not least .. .bah palan palan kio ….

Summary of a new year .....Starts now...

So .... what has been goin on so far for the 2009 for me ? Well ..... not that much ... but somethings here and there ....

I finally got the urge to get in touch with my music again ... starting to write new songs with inspiration rolling in and all ... and I intended to update my blog awhile ago... never got the chance to... But now I am here ... just letting my thought flow and my fingers do the typing.

I basicly dont even know what to say .... as far as I realized, whenever I thought my life was interestingn enough that I should write something about it, it became dull and uninteresting. Probably its because, some things are better to be left unsaid.

This year I welcome a new member of the family. Ivan Jovic Victor Suan. I've only met him once.. and havent really got to know him or anything .... yet. But soon hopefully, when he can actually remember who I am and knows who's the famous "Untie Pet" hehheh ..

And so here he is .... still red and "blur".....

Anyways. ... Theres nuthing much to tell yet ..... but so far I am just waiting for that certain time to get into something and actually looking forward to suprise myself rather than anyone really.

I hope to go on inspiring myself to write more melodies and send them all to my ex Producer Greg Handerson back in KL so he can have a listen and tell me what he thinks .... So far, one has got his green light and I was so thrilled to have his opinion in this ...

Anyways, oh yeah .... and I also bought a new Handycam ! I know right ......Cooolll..... Its not that impressive of an idea... but hey! finally! I get to own one! I am sooooooo exited.... i can immagine things that I canto with it..... so cool ! hehehhe

Right now my new lappy was not very friendly to me.... I have tried installing some software inside and I cant do it! *&#&*^%&^%!^%!@ but anyways.. I gotta do something about that .... man! I cant live without my photoshop and illustrator .... :( I think its the stoopid Vista ... but hey.. what do I know.

This year I turned to 26th. And I wonder how much I have changed and grown so far. My birthday celebration wasn't that grand ... but I have few special people that I invited to come and be with me ... just have some dinner and some Sabahan style Kareoke session. I guess it doesn't really matter to me anyway. turning into an older age is just a time where we remember and try to figure out reasons to be in this world. A timed alarm clock to wake us up when were sleeping and dreaming in living life, that sometimes dont mean a thing or leading us no where .... Its scary but its true.... Sometimes you wake u and you dont even know where you are .

About my cooking and baking progress..... hmmmm I can make damn good Pizza Now ! and My chocolate cake is to die for ahahhaahaha .... alamak ! naik bakul angkat sendiri la pula!

Latest update for "First time ever Listing" - saw my first ever Tennis Match .... Venus Williams, Jelena Jankovic, Ana Ivanovic, and others that i cant remember their names .. hehehhe that was awesome! I didnt think that I qould actually enjoy it! But I did! .. coooooll... Bought myself First Timberland Shoes, Seen the snow.... and March is coming and here I come for my first Skiing Trip, Experience and Meeting the Family.

Till then everyone ... keep tuning t my blog... I will update as soon as I am inspired to... Cherios!